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it's weird i have always kept a diary but this is different. people may actually read this. i think this is a good way to end my crazy year and sort of reflect or whatever. i hope if anything this is some sort of release for me. tomorrow is my birthday i am turning 25. i have been trying to make sense of it for the last few weeks or so. it's just that i am not exactly doing what i thought i would be doing by now. but who is i guess right. almost a year ago i moved out of my apartment that i was sharing with an ex...we broke up..blah blah blah...and my two cats and i moved in with my dad. the point was for me to save money, which i have not done. also i hadn't lived with him since i was 16 so that was a little weird for me but we have learned alot of good stuff about each other so i am glad for it. also if i hadn't moved north i would have never met j. it hasn't been bad...he is away alot and i do get to do pretty much whatever i want. but it's not my place and my living space is very important to me. i need a place to call home. and then there is j... and he is great...most of the time...we are working on us, i think anyhow...things were great and then i got into this rut about who i am and where i am and where i'm going and when...i need to start doing more for myself because i cannot expect someone else to make me happy because that is just insane...i have to do that for myself and i am finally just realizing that...then everything else will just be like an added bonus or something...i used to do so much stuff that made ME happy...i used to make all this crafty stuff and whether it was good or not didn't really matter because it was fun for me...little stuff like that...thats what i have to do...especially since i am trying to save money...staying in and sewing or whatever will keep me from spending cash on stuff that i don't need. so that's my plan...hope it sticks!
written at 11:17 a.m.