i'm sure the fact that my father and i had a huge blowout last night is not helping. my self worth and esteem are so low today that i just want to crawl back into bed and wake up tomorrow. my eyes are so puffy from crying last night that it hurts to keep them open. why can one person's opinion of me make me feel so bad about myself? i guess because he is the one person that i truely want to make proud.

not only do i hate fighting but i hate the way i fight. i wonder if everyone does? i hate that i scream so loud that my throat hurts too much to speak. i feel as if i totally lose control and this temper that i have only seen in my mom comes out in me. i walk away too...i need to. i need to take a moment and regain my composure. ofcourse that is after i have slammed the door atleast once.

he called me selfish. i thought that that was the last thing that i wasn't. i hope he is wrong about that. and not in a selfish way.

i'm just scared of what my life is right now. so many uncertainties. i wish i could just go with the flow more. i wish i didn't care what my father thought as much as i do.

written at 11:30 a.m.